Need some non-legal advice because I'm about to lose it. I've been in a 2BR prewar in the West Village for a few years. My roommate's partner basically moved in around Thanksgiving. Sleeps over maybe 6 nights a week, works from our kitchen table a couple days, gets meal kits and packages delivered here. We split rent on room size, but now there's a third person using the bathroom and common space. Lease says guests can't 'dwell' for more than a limited number of days per year, and he's blown past that. I don't want to nuke the friendship or bring the landlord into it, but I'm also not trying to subsidize his espresso habit and shower time. What's the actual move—three-way split, tell her to put him on the lease, or keep my mouth shut?

Hi! I'm new to NYC roommates and this is exactly what I'm afraid of. Is there actually a guest limit in most leases? Mine says something about not letting anyone else occupy but I thought a partner was different. If he's not on the lease, can he even have packages sent there? I'd probably just ask him to chip in for utilities but I don't know if that's weird. Excited to see what people say because I'd fold in this situation.

Beth, the package thing is a red herring—anyone can put a name on the label; it doesn't make him a tenant, it just makes him an annoyance. OP, don't run to the landlord first. That can backfire and get both of you flagged as lease violators. Start with the roommate. Six nights and a key is de facto moved in, whatever the lease says. Ask for a sit-down. Don't say 'your boyfriend is here too much'; say 'rent and utilities were split for two people, now we have a third person in shared spaces most of the week.' If she balks, tell her you're not trying to be the lease police, but you're not running a hostel either.

That's fair. I don't want the landlord involved. I'm worried because we're both on the lease and if the super notices him taking out the trash or buzzing himself in, we could both get a cure or quit notice. Lease boilerplate says no one not named may 'dwell' for more than a limited number of days in a 12-month period. He's blown past that. She keeps saying he has his own place and only 'crashes,' but I can see his toothbrush, his protein powder, his second monitor. That's not crashing. That's nesting.

Okay that's super helpful, ProspectLefferts_P. So I shouldn't suggest my roommate text the landlord about her boyfriend? I thought being upfront was better. I see how that could get everyone in trouble. For OP: do you really think a three-way split is fair if he doesn't have his own room? Like maybe just a utilities bump and a little extra for the common space? I've never had to negotiate this and I'd probably fold. What if she says no?

Beth, definitely don't text the landlord unless you want a rent-stabilized headache. Three-way split only makes sense if he gets actual closet/drawer space or a designated WFH spot. Otherwise aim for a flat monthly common-space fee plus a third of utilities. It won't be as much as a full room, but it's not zero. The tell is whether he gets mail here and/or has a key. If yes to either, he's not a guest anymore. If he has his own place 20 minutes away but still showers here before work, that's a choice—and you shouldn't pay for it.

He has a key. Has had one since February. I said nothing at first because she asked 'just for emergencies.' Now he lets himself in early before she's even awake and makes espresso. The worst part is the bathroom—he has a full morning routine while I've started showering at night to avoid the backup. I'm going to ask for utilities split three ways and a flat common-space fee on top, but I don't know what's reasonable for a place our size. I don't want to lowball myself either. Any scripts for not making it weird?

That key detail would push me over the edge. If he has a key and lets himself in when she's not home? That's not a guest, that's a subtenant. I'd be so anxious about the super. What if you frame it as 'look, I don't mind him, but if we get caught, we're all at risk—can we either cut back the nights or make this above board?' Then after that, the money talk. Do people actually put guest clauses in roommate agreements? I might need to use one next time.

@big_city_beth yeah, search 'roommate agreement guest rider' and you'll find templates. Some cap sleepovers at a few nights a week, no key for non-lease partners, no packages in the person's name, no showering when the rent-paying roommate needs the bathroom. OP, you waited too long, but it's fixable. The phrase you want is 'I signed up for one roommate, not two.' If she pushes back, remind her the landlord can name both of you in a lease violation, not just her. That usually snaps people out of it.

She hit me with 'but he has his own place 20 minutes away, he's not living here.' I said if he has a place 20 minutes away, why is he here at 7 a.m. and still here when I get home? Crickets. We're sitting down Sunday. I'm not bothering the landlord. I just need her to agree utilities and Wi-Fi split three ways and he starts kicking in for common space. If he touches my French press again, that's a separate war.

Oh no, the French press. That would be my villain origin story. Your Sunday talk sounds solid though. Do you think she'll try to argue he's 'only in her room'? Because if he's in her room, can she say it's her private space? I've heard that excuse before. Also, is it actually legal for a landlord to restrict unlisted guests that hard, or is it mostly lease scare language? I'm genuinely confused.

Beth, the 'only in my room' argument dies the second he uses the bathroom, kitchen, or front door. Her room doesn't have an en suite bath and a kitchenette, so he's in common space. The lease clause is enforceable if the landlord wants to be a hard-ass, especially with a live-in super or nosy neighbors. The bigger risk isn't a random inspection; it's a neighbor complaining about packages or buzzers. OP, for Sunday: write a one-page list of what changed vs what you need. Don't go in hot. If she agrees, put it in an email to each other so it's not remembered differently in three months.

Update: Sunday went okay-ish. She agreed to split utilities three ways starting next month and said yes to a common-space fee, but she wanted it smaller because he 'doesn't eat my food.' I told her I don't care about his meal kits; I care about the bathroom blocks and hearing his work calls through the wall. We landed on utilities plus a monthly contribution she pays me, not him directly, so I don't have to chase some dude. Not perfect, but better than a cure or quit. French press is back in my cabinet. Thanks all.