I know this is going to come off as lease-police energy, but I’m genuinely trying to figure out if I’m being irrational. I live in a two-bedroom in Astoria with one roommate. Her girlfriend started staying over maybe two nights a week. Fine, totally normal. Now it’s five nights a week, she has a key, she does laundry in our machine, and she’s in the bathroom 7–8 a.m. every weekday while I’m trying to get ready for work. She doesn’t pay rent or utilities, and we never talked about a guest policy. I keep hearing that in NYC you should just stay out of your roommate’s business unless it affects you, but this is starting to feel like a third roommate who doesn’t pay.

Unpopular opinion: the issue isn’t the girlfriend, it’s that we never wrote anything down. Am I wrong to insist on a guest policy before we renew the lease?

rent_control_myth, you’re not being the lease police. The first step is to read your actual lease and any house rules; many NYC leases say a guest cannot stay beyond a certain cumulative number of nights or establish occupancy without landlord consent. If your name and your roommate’s name are both on the lease, you have joint and several liability, so an unauthorized occupant can become everyone’s problem, not just hers.

That said, I’d treat this as a roommate agreement issue before a legal one. The girlfriend having a key without your okay is a real boundary problem. I’d set up a casual sit-down: not 'your girlfriend has to go,' but 'we need to align on keys, laundry, and the 7–8 a.m. bathroom.' Decide what you actually need: maybe no key for non-roommates, laundry only for people on the lease, and a four-night guest limit. If she’s here five nights a week, that’s about two-thirds of the month; a small utilities contribution or a morning bathroom schedule is reasonable to request.

I’ve been through this in a prewar in Washington Heights. It went better when I kept the conversation about household systems, not about disliking the partner. The second you make it personal, the roommate will shut down. Be prepared for pushback—if the roommate insists there’s no problem, that’s useful information about whether to renew at all.

Yeah, co-signing landmark_lina about the key. That would be my line. A key means she can come through when you’re not home, and if anything goes missing or the super sees an extra person, it’s on you too. You don’t need to be a jerk, but def stop treating it as a vibes problem and make it a logistics problem. Tell your roommate: I like her, but I can’t get in the bathroom and the utility bill has gone up. Maybe ask for a weekend-only laundry rule and no key unless it’s an emergency. If they hit you with 'it’s my apartment too,' that’s your cue to think about renewal. Don’t ask the girlfriend directly—go through your roommate.

Wait, rent_control_myth, is five nights a week really that bad? My last landlord never cared if my boyfriend stayed over, but we didn’t have laundry in the unit and he never showered in the morning. How do you even bring up money without making her feel attacked? Do you talk to the girlfriend or only your roommate? Also, what happens if the landlord finds out? I just moved to the city and thought guest policies only mattered in buildings with doormen or packages. I’m following this thread because I might be the roommate in this situation and had no idea.

What Flatbush_Fi said about the washer—laundry in-unit in NYC is sacred. If she’s running loads every week and not paying utilities, that’s a hard no. I’d start from the shared expenses angle and tell your roommate you need to rebalance. Five nights a week means she’s using water, electric, toilet paper, maybe food. It doesn’t need to turn into a big rent-split fight. Ask for a small monthly utility contribution or at least a rule that non-lease people don’t do laundry on weeknights. Also, check if the building itself has a max guest rule. Some supers in Astoria definitely notice extra keys and will mention it to the landlord if they’re nosy.

THE KEY! I cannot say this enough! A key is not a guest, it’s a resident. @landmark_lina is right about the lease clause, but more importantly, this is a trust issue. Have you tried a shared household calendar? I know it sounds ridiculous, but when I lived in Ridgewood with a roommate whose partner basically moved into our living room, we made a calendar for laundry, bathroom, and common-space TV time. It looked insane on the fridge, but it saved the friendship. We also had a rule: no one gets a key unless both roommates approve. You should ask your roommate to take that key back or at least agree that the girlfriend won’t use it without coordinating. If your building is rent-stabilized, having someone not on the lease stay that often could expose you to a lease violation. Not trying to scare you, but I’d act now before renewing.

Oh no, rent_control_myth, I gave my boyfriend a key to my shared apartment last month and now I’m panicking that my roommate is secretly annoyed. He only stays over about three nights a week, but he has let himself in while I’m at work to wait for a package. After reading this I feel like I should check in with her. Is giving a key to a partner automatically a red flag in a shared apartment, or does it depend on whether you ask first? How do I bring it up retroactively without making it weird? Please update us after the talk.

Thanks to everyone who talked me down—and to landmark_lina and Gowanus_G for pointing out the lease and utilities angles. I checked our lease and there is a guest occupancy clause, though five nights a week is a gray area by the letter of it. I’m not going to demand rent from the girlfriend; that feels like something a corporate lease would do, not a living arrangement. But I did text my roommate to set up a sit-down this week. My new unpopular opinion: if the only real issues are the bathroom and laundry, a clear schedule and a fair utility contribution might solve more than a formal lease amendment. I’ll update after we talk.